The Transformative Power of Apologizing: Being Accountable in the Workplace and at Home
Recently, in a family meeting, I was impatient and short with my partner and stepchildren.
I raised my voice in frustration and nearly sabotaged the whole thing.
After a walk around the block, I came back to the house, understanding that I needed to at least try to repair the harm I’d caused. I offered an apology to my partner (which isn’t difficult because of his constant love and grace!) Then I braced myself and offered an apology to my stepdaughter.
I’ve done this before, and sometimes my words just sit in the air. But this time my offering was met immediately with her own apology and a long hug.
The afternoon was transformed.
APOLOGY AS ANTI-OPPRESSION PRACTICE
When I facilitate training sessions to help people better understand and grapple with the five faces of oppression, I invite participants to do a little homework, prior to the next time we meet.
The assignment for session 2 is to consider making an apology.
I believe that the state of our relationships reflects the health of our organizational cultures and systems, so it follows that being able to make an apology is a workplace skill and a critical part of transforming our institutions into equitable spaces.
I’m personally learning more and more that accountability isn’t just important to practice within the workplace but at home, too, with our friends and family.
LEARNINGS FROM TED LASSO
The power of the apology is one of the reasons I think Ted Lasso has struck a chord with so many of us.
In the Lasso universe, we get constant models for how to reflect on our own behavior, commit to change, and treat each other with dignity and respect. We see it with coaches and players working together to build a team and with individuals trying to be better parents and partners.
The characters are far from perfect, but they never seem to stop striving to be better in their relationships. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that I’ve observed a sincere apology in almost every episode.
In the show, we see a player apologize to his team for consistently disrespecting them, a coach apologize to a player for not taking into consideration global imperialism (!), a person apologize to a romantic partner for not showing trust, a journalist apologize to a public figure for defaming him, and a parent apologize to a child for not being present. I could go on and on.
One of the reasons I appreciate Ted Lasso so much is because of all the ways it models how apologizing can build relationships and preserve community. It provides an example of a culture where self-reflection and care were the engines of accountability.
WHEN TO MAKE AN APOLOGY…AND WHEN NOT TO
You make an apology when you know you have caused hurt or harm to a person or a community, intentionally or unintentionally.
You do not need to apologize for asking for what you need, for not being able to give more than you have, or for having feelings.
MAKING A STATEMENT IS NOT ENOUGH
We have all seen and possibly felt an empty apology. Whether it is an individual or institution, we know that saying “I’m sorry” or “We’re sorry” is not enough. Offering an apology alone without specifics, a way to repair the harm done, and changed behavior is not a true apology.
However, a reflective and sincere apology is a necessary first step for any possibility of shifting a relationship.
According to transformative justice leader, Mia Mingus, an apology is not just making a statement. Mingus shares that there are actually four parts to an apology.
Self-reflection
Apology
Repair
Changed Behavior
In our training sessions, I remind everyone that acceptance of our apology is not required (or even the point).
This is about recognizing and acknowledging harm, no matter the size, and the repair work for which we’re responsible - not the response or outcome (things we can’t control anyway).
CHANGE STARTS WITH THE SELF
If we truly desire a just world, we need to apply just practices in every area of our lives.
This begins with taking responsibility for our own actions, even when it is deeply uncomfortable.
And if we are truly committed to communities that share power, we need to take steps recognize and repair any harm we’ve caused, no matter the size. When prefiguring the society we want to live in, a key ingredient is the apology.
Do you need to make an apology? If so, please know that I’m sending you courage! And if you decide to move forward and offer that apology, let me know how it goes.
RESOURCES:
Video: What is accountability? (17 min)
Accountability is self-reflecting, apologizing, making amends, and changing your behavior, so the harm that you caused doesn’t happen again. It’s a process,not a destination. Over the years, accountability has been at the heart of transformative justice work. In this video, transformative and restorative justice practitioners discuss how accountability is enacted, plus some common challenges during the journey.
Podcast Episode: The Power of Apologies on the Hidden Brain (49 min)
This whole episode is so good. It features psychologist Tyler Okimoto, who talks about the mental barriers that keep us from admitting when we've done something wrong, as well as the transformative power of apologizing. For a direct connection between sharing power and making an apology, go to minute 43:45.
Online Course: Steps to End Prisons and Policing: A Mixtape on Transformative Justice
The last track is called "The Four Parts of Accountability and How to Apologize" by Mia Mingus. All proceeds from this course go directly to support grassroots transformative justice projects.